One of the most overlooked aspects of apartment living is the forced social interaction you are meant to have with neighbours. Don’t assume the worst, though. We want you to be social! However we realise that now with social media – partaking in human interaction may not be considered a priority.
Unless you’re Donald Trump living in your own exclusive tower, chances are you’ll have to rub shoulders with at least some of your neighbours when living in an apartment building.
Some of you may not cringe at the thought of being stuck and forced to have 5 minutes worth of idle chit-chat with that weird smelly guy from the first floor. But in an age where calling someone on their phone instead of sending a much more convenient text message is seen as the ultimate social betrayal, this becomes a much more prominent issue.
Elevators are the breeding ground for these awkward interactions. So you may as well become familiar with the basics before you run into them because there is no escape. There is no alternative, there is only one elevator.
Dog Eat Dog World
Dogs are some of the most loyal companions any human can have. But let’s be honest for a second: getting licked is icky. Some people prefer the solitary moodiness of cats or the sedated uselessness of a fish rather than have to deal with dogs. This is why it only makes matters worse when dog owners don’t control their pet and the furry animal starts sniffing away and jumping on your brand new LV bag / Boss suit. The last thing you need when trying to get to a job interview is paw prints on your thighs.
Levitating Libidos
For some reason, elevators seem to be aphrodisiacs. Hollywood loves to show characters having a good ole romp in a lift, clothes askew when the lift doors open. It’s like the force of gravity is increasing blood flow to the nether regions and we all know it’s bad luck to waste a boner, so couples decide to go with the flow. It’s tough to ignore a dangerous liaison in such a confined space. The best you can do is clear your throat to let the couple know they’re spilling their love juices on you. Be prepared to cower in a corner trying not to become an unwilling participant.
Hello From the Other Floor
The most basic of all social interactions for harmonious apartment living: the ‘hello’. Adele may have mastered it, yet that doesn’t mean you have. Some of your more chatty neighbours may insist on engaging in ever-so-boring small talk about the leaky ceiling in the bin room, which is why the ‘hello’ is so dangerous. The Holy Grail is a simple nod and fake smile that acknowledges the other person’s existence but still lets them have their space.
Oh God, the Smell
Usually everyone agrees to the bathing clause in society’s social contract, but there are times when it all comes crumbling down. Whether it’s the person that refuses to take regular showers as a way to save water or someone just coming back from the gym, an elevator can quickly turn from a means of transportation to a dutch oven quicker than a puff of smoke.
Fart jokes: classic.
You Talkin’ To Me?
If you’re lucky enough to not have a building arch enemy, you may skip this section. There are times when you just rub one of your neighbours the wrong way (or vice versa) either because they’re too loud, they keep parking in your spot or they leave flaming bags of dog poop on your door (which I believe is a fire hazard). Having to come face to face with a bitter enemy is bad enough, but then having to do that on a weekly basis? Torture, I tell ya.
Peak Hour
Peak Hour is called that for a reason. Everyone is moving around at the same time trying to get to the same places. Riding down 35 levels takes a few minutes as it is, but when you hit elevator peak hour, you may be stopping at every single floor until the elevator fills up and squishes everyone like a Twilight midnight movie premiere (Twilight’s still relevant, right?). Not to mention waiting for the damn thing to even get to your floor when it’s too busy servicing everyone else. Patience is your best and only friend when dealing with elevator peak hour; consider investing in a parachute if you’ve reached the end of the line.
Pushy McPusherson
There’s a reason you must wait for people to exit the elevator before charging in. There’s simply less space to manoeuvre inside the lift than outside it. If there’s someone who insists on tackling his way inside (or out, for that matter), try to let it be known (in a civil way). Don’t be pushy. Proper etiquette helps everyone get along.